Daniel MacDougall
“If a person gave away your body to some passerby, you’d be furious. Yet you hand over your mind to anyone who comes along, so they may abuse you, leaving it disturbed and troubled" -Epictetus
Do you tend to feel alienated and socially isolated? You see people enjoying the company of others, and you wish to have the same engagement in your life. Did you create this loneliness yourself, or did the world choose it for you? There are ways for you to build a life where your presence is valued and appreciated by others.
Walking the path of the loner can be a double-edged sword. It all depends on your mindset. Which can compel or hinder your life's progress. Your relationships with others are a fragile thing. Relationships take time to cultivate and maintain, but if you feel the need to cultivate stronger relationships or grow your web of friends, leaning towards the teachings of others could be what you need.
The ancient art of Stoicism helps one grapple with loneliness in this disconnected world. Stoicism is one of the best tools for those who pursue self-sufficiency and wisdom. In this world, cultivating those two tools will empower you beyond the burning need to desire the attention of others. This article is not so much about how to win over friends - this will come later - but more designed for one to find power with their time spent alone. How does the Stoic practice of self-sufficiency combat loneliness?
Self-sufficiency is not tying your sense of meaning to someone or something else. Only you can cultivate meaning, virtue, and integrity - fostering a greater capacity to give something back to the world. Remember, your loneliness is a tool to cultivate and nurture the world around you. When you look at your time spent alone as a tool, your loneliness begins to have meaning.
When you develop self-sufficiency, others notice. They see someone who doesn't crumble under pressure or seek approval from others. Stand firm in your strengths and values. Truly self-sufficient people are magnetic. Build yourself into the cornerstone that holds others up around you. Use your loneliness as a tool.
Examine your life and ask yourself, how often do you seek validation from others? How often do you lean on compliments, check social media, and find satisfaction from people agreeing with you? It might be more often than you think. We are constantly signaling for attention. Often, we tire and annoy those around us. Stop casting attention-seeking lines out into the world. Become self-sufficient by shifting your focus inward. When you ask yourself these questions and interpret your attention-seeking habits, you find connections in your behaviors. What kind of attention are you looking for?
The problem is, even if you find the attention you seek, you'll never tire of it, and the process continues. Your inner history habits will repeat over and over. You will witness the controlling aspects of these cycles and notice this in others.
I.
The first step is witnessing how your sense of personal meaning is tied to things outside your control. Witness the bad habits and personal cycles that hold you back. Stop wasting your mental energy on the personal problems of others and what they should do. It is easy to analyze the lives of others, but difficult to see your reflection when you look for darkness. Focus on the aspects of your life that you control.
II.
The second step is a cold, hard stop. Cut the thread to negative habits. Find the behaviors that do not serve your inner peace. This is a great time to practice reflection. Reflect on your actions and how you behave. Life is full of challenges. Reflect on the last time something or someone outside your control challenged you. How did you react? Did you get swept away by the storm inside of you? When you do this, emotions inside will arise. These emotions are the leftovers of the effect someone has on you. Feel these emotions. Find where they originate inside your body and let them die on their own. Do not judge. Let the emotion and memory rise and fall like waves in the ocean.
III.
Your third step is to enrich your life from within. When you enrich your life from the inside, outside validation becomes meaningless, and building self-sufficiency means taking responsibility for your emotions and reactions. Enrich your life by learning and developing new skills and interests. Developing new skills and interests will open up new pathways to authentic relationships. People enjoy sharing their skills and accomplishments, thus nurturing friendships. This can also force you out of your comfort zone. People can develop a comfortable way of life that is unhealthy and meaningless. Deep down, this could be you. Take your loneliness as a tool to search out new interests and hobbies. Remember, the pathway to self-sufficiency is a hard path to climb. No resilience ever comes to the person who walks the easiest path.
Self-sufficiency is not about isolation and rejecting relationships. It is about building a foundation from within that is so strong and resilient that you are free to engage with life not out of need but genuine desire and choice. When you are genuine, people notice. Living a life through genuine desire is an attractive beacon for others to follow.
Do not become emotionless or detached from life, but feel and understand your inner state. How does loneliness affect your inner state? You hear other people making plans that do not include you, no problem. Use your free time to focus your energy on learning and development. Do not sit there and think of how you have been done wrong or what everyone else is doing. These are aspects outside of your control. Only you can control what you do with your loneliness. Happiness and contentedness are internal states not handed to us by others. Most things in life handed to us by others deliver no meaning. Think of times you worked for something and how much you valued it once you obtained it.
Use self-sufficiency to combat your loneliness. When you form an inner sanctuary that is so strong and resilient, you cannot be pushed or swayed by the tides of life. Think of your inner peace as a boat on the ocean. You cannot control the size of the waves, but you can control how you steer through the storm. Others notice this and begin to gravitate to you. You become a personal beacon of self-development in others. Your presence becomes valued and appreciated.
Remember:
Free yourself from attention-seeking habits. This lowers your personal value.
Practice reflection. Find the behaviors and desires in your life that serve as tools for inner peace. Do not focus on the problems of others. When emotions rise, feel their presence within your body and practice the art of shedding their control over you.
Enrich your life from within by developing new skills and gaining knowledge. Focus on the things that interest you and not what everyone else is doing.
Weekly Side Quest:
Try the simple practice of reflection at the end of each day. Ask yourself if your behaviors aligned with your personal values? Do this for one week and see the results it has in your everyday life.
There's plenty more content for the curious mind. Stay tuned and join our newsletter for the latest articles.
Author's note: none of the writing was generated or made by AI. Our mission is provide a human touch to our journeys together. Thankyou always, Daniel MacDougall…